Still Up

I am stilling feeling better. Been tracking my moods on www.moodscope.com and today was an all time high. I have only logged 4 times however.

I can tolerate my current state, the only change I would make would be more "feelings". I am just "here" - neither bad nor good. We went to the lake Saturday and while it was a good day I did not have the "excitment" and "joy" I have felt in times past. I could have been there or at home and been ok.

I called my phsyc. today to get a script for Ambilify. He had given me a sample the 1st or 2nd time I saw him - it was 11/09 according to his nurse. I didn't take it cause I didn't understand what it was and why I needed it. But since I definately see there is something more and it is not all resolved I would like to give it a try. I am a littl leary about side affects. A friends husband was put on it and he started shaking and they think it is permanent now.

I will get the samples today but he wants to see me earlier than my 8/2 appointment, so I will go in Thursday to see him.

Good Day

Today has been a good day. Feeling quite "normal". Have not been irritable. Have been able to think. Actually went to dollar tree today and got some decorations for my vbs classroom next week and wanted to, not just becasue I knew I needed to.

Have been able to interact with people. Don't feel that opressed/depressed/pushed down feeling today.

Have noticed I talked quite a bit today when the opporutnity came up. I even initiated conversations.

Well, time to go home now. Thank you God for a good day. Please send many more my way.

I could throw up. I want to run. I don't want to be here. I don't want to interact with anyone. I sit here going through my mind excuses I could give for needing to leave but I can never picture myself actually talking to my boss. I just want to get up and walk out without talking to anyone, but then I would have to deal with them when I came back. and I would have to come back because I have to work to pay the bills.

I feel like a scream is trapped inside me and I can't let it out. So I just eat another cookie and try to do some work. Get up to go get another soda. That will kill a few minutes.

Like a roller coaster. That's what my mood feels like today. I don't want to do anything. Not even pay attention to the radio or road signs. It annoys me. I am bored though. I can't even get into my escape of reading.

It feels like I am "pushed". At times the push eases up and it is as if I can physically feel the release and I breathe a sigh and say ahhhh and feel a bit of peace. But as long as the "push" is there I stay in an agitated state.

this is where I have been today. Seems as though the push and release has happened more in one day. usually periods of days of push and then the release and "normal" days for awhile then the "push" returns.

Just looked up the word oppression cause that is what comes to mind. Miriam webster says : a sense of being weighed down in body or mind : depression I would have to say that is how I feel.

In search of good mental health

As my first post I just want to say that I want to use this blog to help me sort through my life in my search for "good" mental health. I will, in future post, delve into what is going on. But for now I will just say that I have been diagnosed with dysthymia and am trying to decide if maybe it is even mild bipolar/cyclothymia. Whether anyone reads or not is really inconsequential, I just need to get the thoughts out of my head. Although I hope to get comments and insights from others.

That is all I have time for now since I have spent too much time at work on it already. :-(