Am I Finished?

Don't feel really depressed, have had a bad couple of days. I figured out how to summarize how I am feeling now. I feel like I am finished. Finished living. Don't worry, not the suicidal kind of finished, I just don't want to do anything, like no desire. Feels like I am just biding my time until it is my time. I have some enjoyment along the way, but don't "look forward" to anything. When my depression was worse, I would think of death alot, not killing myself, but what if I were to die, or someone else. Not really having those thoughts so much now, I just am. Blah! I want to engage in life, to live it. I have lots of time left unless the Good Lord decides to take me at a young age. My son is only 9, there are lots of things I should want to do with him. I feel bad for not doing more with him. For being a bad example of "doing nothing". I turn down lots of offers just cause I don't want to. Even church has become a "have to" thing.

My psych. resigned, so I have to see another one in the practice. Don't know whether to convey these feelings to him or just go with it since I am better than I was. This is tolerable, the other was not. Should I expect normality from the meds or just not the deep lows?

And Another

Depression seems to be better, but I don't feel myself. Still having some anxiety and withdrawal. Don't like the way I am feeling. Don't know what to do. Should I go back down on the Abilify? Why does this have to affect me? There are worse things in this life. I just feel like an alien in my body. who am I is this me or the medicine?

Another Day

Still on the upside. Maybe this med combo is working. Have been able to ward off any anxiety.

Not so much of a hole today

Went back to psych. 26th. was not having good week. she wants to keep me on current meds for another month and see.

Having some increased anxiety. However, today is a good day. Better than I have been, no apparent anxiety.

Back again

Going back for my follow up with psych after increasing abilify to 10 mg. Didn't really see any difference. Did have an upswing about 23 days after. Just in time for Easter Egg hunt. Still feeling more up than down, but not sure it is due to abilify. TaTa for now.

Day 5 of increased meds. Thought I was feeling it, but today has not been good. I have nothing to do at work and that seems to make it worse. What I do have to do I do not want to do. What purpose do I serve? Not doing a good job at anything. Employee, mother, wife. I don't want to live another 40 years like this. Don't get freaked, I am not thinking of doing anything drastic, I just know we gotta get this fixed! What kind of example am I setting for my son? Just setting him up to have weight issues as well as slothfulness. It doesn't matter that I have a chemical imbalance, kids learn what they see.

Doing Nothing

I think of nothing all day long. When I will be finished with something so I can do nothing? I think of things to do, but can’t get the motivation or “want to” to get up and do them. I seem to find the get up and go to get up and go to the kitchen because I have gotten so fat I fit nothing and am wearing moo moos again. How much lying in the bed will I have to do before I feel rested and satisfied with the amount of nothing I have done?

Counselor uped my Abilify since last posting. I know think I need more. It worked for a little while then for the last month, maybe two I have felt this way. Seems to be getting worse. I have thrown my back out a couple times and had to lay flat of my back. I have to make mysefl do things and even then I am not fully engaged in them. I would rather just not.

Here we go again.