Other shoe dropping???

26 days on Abilify felt wonderful. 27 starts slipping. 28 I'm to my waist, maybe my chest. Oh this was supposed to be the answer. why or why couldn't it have beent he answer? Studpid Dr. P. he is an idiot. I want another dr but my ins only pays for one in that group and i don't know if i can deal with seeing him if i change to the other dr.

it all has me thinking about cyclothymia (form of bi-polar). I printed out a list of syptoms for the hypomanic and depressive phases of cyclothymic disorder. I identified with 9 of the 17 hypomanic and 11 out of 13 of the depressive signs and symptoms. Yet he says I don't have bipolar because I am not running in the streets naked. It is not that I want bipolar, I just want to be better and if you are going to tell me i don't have something then give me a valid reason why you think so. I can research, I am not dumb, I have a college degree. There are documented levels of bipolar.

I can definately say the 26 days I felt "good" were more than normal good. I only slept 4-5 hours a night. I normally sleep 8-9 hours a night. Woke up alert. did a days work before heading off to my job. Talked 90 miles an hour. Wouldn't hardly let anyone get in a word edgewise. My sex drive was increased (no promiscuous thoughts, but my husband was happy). Cleaned house (deep cleaned) moved out furniture, cleaned out storage boxes. Didn't watch one thing on tv the whole time. Even before I remember having issues with depression I never had this much energy. I have always said when people say they have trouble sitting down, I have trouble getting up.

I lost the contact info on my counselor's new office. I found an online email on a psychology website and emailed her. hopefully she still gets and checks the mailbox. I want to talk with her and get her opinion. I like her and trust her. My desire to eat has even began to pick up this week. I ahve gone home tired and went to bed early the last couple nights. Had trouble staying alert during the day yesterday. The irratability started today. I am trying to "talk" myself into feeling good. It is working some, but it is taking alot of effort. Typing on this blog seems to help.

We are going to the lake next week. I was so excited. Planning the family menu, volunteering to buy all the groceries. Planning on cooking what I could ahead of time. Planning out a volunteer rotation for our children's church. Now I feel the indifference growing. I am not going to sink, I will rise above. God PLEASE help me!!! I don't want to go back to that place of despair and mental/emotional torture.

Seems too good to be true

I occasionally wonder when the other shoe is gonna drop. I am still a bit hesitant to plan/committe to anything in fear the depression will come back. Praise God it has not so far. I have been on Abilify for 19 days and I feel WONDERFUL. I have energy, joy, happiness. I almost forgot how it felt. I care that my clothes look decent. I have painted my nails twice and my house looks better than it has in awhile. My husband has not had to wash clothes in over a week. He normally does all the washing. I don't have any in the basket waiting to be folded. I have planned a back to school/end of summer party for my children's church kids; a lake trip for my mom's birthday. Please don't let it end.

To all with depression I hope you find the combination that works for you. I take 100 mg Pristiq and 2 mg Abilify.

Hope it last forever

Dr. P. told me to stay on Ambilify. Did not think I was bipolar, just the depression worsening and improving. I am feeling much better today. Day 4 of Ambilify. Don't know if it is the meds or not. I have been here before. I guess time will only tell. We are hoping for the best. He gave me more samples and I will go back to see him in a month.

Oh and he did not mention weight. He did ask me again if I was taking the phentermine and I once again told him no that I had not taken any since the first time I saw him. He started to go into it again, but stopped. My prayers worked!

I am actually excited about going to the lake tomorrow. Haven't felt that in a while.

Also looking forward to a special service at a church I used to visit long ago. I guess I am letting my self hope some because I had gotten to the point where I did not try to do/plan anything. Like work on my walk with the Lord, work on keeping my house clean, work on being a good parent. I was merely doing all that I could to survive. That is not living to me.
Pray that this works and I can work on being the person I want to be, not merely existing and taking up space.

GRrrr GRRRRR

Just feeling irritable this AM. Don't really want to do anything. My moodscope score dropped back down as I knew it would cause I'm not feeling it today. Gotta go to psych. this afternoon. Called him to give me sample f Ambilify and of course he wanted to see me. I am not extrememly fond of him and would really rather just RUN and not have to deal with it, but if I want to get better I gotta take my meds and he has to prescribe them. He is rather pompous and if he discusses weight loss again I am gonna scream. I want to lose weight yes, but that is really not what my main issues are right now.

That is probably what has me on the down slope this am. I don't want to have to deal with him. It is hard for me to ask for help or anything and then for him to be pompus and not see I really want help I just can't get it out.

I'm gonna tell him though. I gonna explain all my symptoms and see if we can get closer to proper treatment.

Wish I could be off all day today but I don't have the time to take.

Still Up

I am stilling feeling better. Been tracking my moods on www.moodscope.com and today was an all time high. I have only logged 4 times however.

I can tolerate my current state, the only change I would make would be more "feelings". I am just "here" - neither bad nor good. We went to the lake Saturday and while it was a good day I did not have the "excitment" and "joy" I have felt in times past. I could have been there or at home and been ok.

I called my phsyc. today to get a script for Ambilify. He had given me a sample the 1st or 2nd time I saw him - it was 11/09 according to his nurse. I didn't take it cause I didn't understand what it was and why I needed it. But since I definately see there is something more and it is not all resolved I would like to give it a try. I am a littl leary about side affects. A friends husband was put on it and he started shaking and they think it is permanent now.

I will get the samples today but he wants to see me earlier than my 8/2 appointment, so I will go in Thursday to see him.

Good Day

Today has been a good day. Feeling quite "normal". Have not been irritable. Have been able to think. Actually went to dollar tree today and got some decorations for my vbs classroom next week and wanted to, not just becasue I knew I needed to.

Have been able to interact with people. Don't feel that opressed/depressed/pushed down feeling today.

Have noticed I talked quite a bit today when the opporutnity came up. I even initiated conversations.

Well, time to go home now. Thank you God for a good day. Please send many more my way.

I could throw up. I want to run. I don't want to be here. I don't want to interact with anyone. I sit here going through my mind excuses I could give for needing to leave but I can never picture myself actually talking to my boss. I just want to get up and walk out without talking to anyone, but then I would have to deal with them when I came back. and I would have to come back because I have to work to pay the bills.

I feel like a scream is trapped inside me and I can't let it out. So I just eat another cookie and try to do some work. Get up to go get another soda. That will kill a few minutes.

Like a roller coaster. That's what my mood feels like today. I don't want to do anything. Not even pay attention to the radio or road signs. It annoys me. I am bored though. I can't even get into my escape of reading.

It feels like I am "pushed". At times the push eases up and it is as if I can physically feel the release and I breathe a sigh and say ahhhh and feel a bit of peace. But as long as the "push" is there I stay in an agitated state.

this is where I have been today. Seems as though the push and release has happened more in one day. usually periods of days of push and then the release and "normal" days for awhile then the "push" returns.

Just looked up the word oppression cause that is what comes to mind. Miriam webster says : a sense of being weighed down in body or mind : depression I would have to say that is how I feel.

In search of good mental health

As my first post I just want to say that I want to use this blog to help me sort through my life in my search for "good" mental health. I will, in future post, delve into what is going on. But for now I will just say that I have been diagnosed with dysthymia and am trying to decide if maybe it is even mild bipolar/cyclothymia. Whether anyone reads or not is really inconsequential, I just need to get the thoughts out of my head. Although I hope to get comments and insights from others.

That is all I have time for now since I have spent too much time at work on it already. :-(